If i come over, it means nothing
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
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so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
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There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize