I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
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