working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
