I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
