His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
