so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
