come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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