I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Screwed.edu
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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