you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
