I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize