Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
