I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
