I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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