TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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