my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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