did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
