Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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