I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
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That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
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I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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