When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is it because I queefed?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
