if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
