That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
My cat gives me a boner
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
