She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
