the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
