the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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