just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Dignity is for republicans.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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