im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
