Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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