Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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