I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
