I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
do herpes really smell.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
