I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
