mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
