Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
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So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
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Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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