I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
