OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
