My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
ugly people sure do ruin things
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Vodka?
Forever.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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