I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize