she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
