I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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