we have officially lost it.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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