happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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