I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
