im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
