apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
The air taste purple.
Randomize