If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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