am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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