I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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