I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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