literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
