how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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