I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
