Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
