Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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