..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
