I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
