She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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