We're like a lot better than the average bears
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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