drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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